“Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy."

—Aristotle

After recounting numerous arguments with his wife, Alan rationalized his anger by explaining that he is a passionate man. He worried that if he didn’t voice his anger, he would be denying who he was—his very essence would be negated. My question for him was simply, “How’s that working for you?”

Alan isn’t the only one who confuses anger with passion. Known as righteous anger, many of us believe we are entitled to vent our fury. When our ardent feelings morph into expressions of anger, however, the belief or cause about which we feel passionate becomes obscured.  

Passion is generally thought to be constructive; whereas anger and rage are destructive. Unbridled anger negatively affects our relationships as well as our wellbeing. In response to fits of anger, others tend to flee or fight. Doubtful these are the reactions we desire to fulfill our belonging needs.

In addition, anger contributes to high blood pressure, headaches, insomnia and gastrointestinal issues. We don’t have to be controlled by our angry impulses, however; we can take charge.

Anger is Secondary

Anger is considered a secondary response to fear or sadness. In our culture, expressing anger—especially for men—feels safer than revealing other emotions. Communicating fear and sadness is often viewed as weakness.

Anger can become a habitual response to an uncomfortable feeling. Unresolved grief, anticipatory grief, and loss of control are at the heart of the suffering that fuels angry responses.  

The very public outbursts of enraged people have become commonplace during this pandemic. Certainly, all the ingredients for feeling out of control are present at this time. Mandating face coverings has proven troublesome as this is interpreted as infringing on the anti-maskers rights.

When seen through the lens of fear and loss of control, the unexamined, indignant response to requirements around face coverings is understandable. Mandating masking is a challenge, but mandating introspection is impossible.

Displaced Anger

In psychological terms, defense mechanisms help us cope with our uncomfortable emotions. Displacement is one of those mechanisms; we subconsciously redirect our negative feelings to less threatening things or people. Without our awareness, we aren’t able to stop ourselves from unproductive and, sometimes, harmful reactions.

Road rage is a common and dangerous example of displaced anger. According to the American Automobile Association (AAA), nearly 80% of drivers report having displayed angry and aggressive behaviors behind the wheel.

Bad drivers can certainly stoke fear. Instead of acknowledging our fear, we fly off the handle and may even dangerously retaliate. When we get angry in response to our fears, our fears don’t dissipate, regardless of how justified we may feel. Likely, we feel worse.

Many years ago, when I was driving with my young daughter in the car, I mistakenly exited a commercial driveway without seeing a car careening down the road. This caused the driver to hit his brakes. My bad, for sure. The driver became so enraged that at the next traffic light, he hit the back of my car and sped off. Although he likely felt justified in retaliating, I imagine he continued to have a really crappy day.

Fatalities due to road rage have steadily increased over the years. Domestic abuse, a tragic example of displaced anger, has also been on the rise. Months ago, the United Nations sounded the alarm bells for women and girls worldwide who may be trapped with abusive family members. Estimates are that during this highly-stressful pandemic, incidents of domestic violence have increased 20%.

Identify Triggers

Our habitual reactions often lie beneath our awareness. Identifying one’s triggers is essential for exposing the reasons behind the response and gaining our composure.

Alan is quick to anger when he believes others are trying to control him and his behavior. Like Alan, when we believe our rights have been violated, we may feel anger. Standing up for oneself is rational and important, but being assertive does not require aggression. 

Injustice and disrespect are common triggers for anger. When our physical or emotional wellbeing is threatened, angry responses are common. In some cases, an angry response is helpful. Anger mobilizes us to take action to defend ourselves against attack.

Very often, however, the threat we feel is imagined. When a friend or colleague doesn’t return our messages, when our partner scowls, when our boss takes the credit for our work, we believe our being is endangered.

As is true in most cases, others’ behaviors have little to do with us. The friend who didn’t return messages may be experiencing depression or overwhelm; the partner may have physical pain; the boss may be fearful of losing his/her job.

I manufacture all kinds of stories when I feel ignored. A person who espouses his or her own views without showing any interest in mine is one of my triggers. I could view this puffery as the other’s need to cover feelings of inadequacy, but I tend to interpret it as disrespect. Tamping down my anger takes a shift of perspective.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, relationship expert, and author of the bestselling book, The Dance of Anger, says anger provides a window into our unmet needs. When we notice anger bubbling up, we can begin to analyze what needs aren’t being met. Dr. Lerner emphasizes that the time to resolve relationship issues is not in the heat of anger. In addition, our analysis must include taking responsibility for our part of the dance, even if that role is minor.

Practice Alternative Responses

Rather than flying into a rage, providing a “time out” or a cooling off period may help gain perspective and preserve relationships. Instead of being reactive, we must step back and take stock. Deep breathing techniques help slow the heart rate and return the body back to homeostasis.

Rewiring our brains through relaxation and visualization techniques enables us to unlearn habitual, unhealthy responses and replace them with beneficial ones. Through brain imaging, researchers have found the brain reacts to both real and imagined stressful events in the same way. Visualization has proven effective for counteracting stress responses as well as controlling psychic and physical pain.

As an alternative to road rage, those who regularly get triggered by traffic may be able to break this maladaptive response through a simple visualization technique. The strategy involves consistently visualizing yourself behind the wheel, encountering a trigger and reacting with calmness.

The scene should be one that is familiar: perhaps a slow driver or a driver who cuts in front of your car as you enter an on-ramp. During the visualization, imagine yourself feeling at ease and reacting in a composed manner. Your breathing is steady, your hands are relaxed on the wheel as you gradually brake to maintain a safe distance from the distracted driver.

Empty the Gunnysack

Gunnysacking is a metaphor used to describe a phenomenon in relationships where grievances, slights and resentments are collected and stored until they can no longer be contained. Explosions of anger result.  Usually the reaction is overblown because the outburst has little to do with the present-day event. The incident that ignited the outburst is the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Learning how to communicate in a noncombative way will prevent a good number of our angry flareups. Many of Alan’s outbursts with his partner could have been tempered by communicating his wishes upfront rather than letting the resentments grow and fester.

A simple shift in the way requests are made can change the anger dance we’ve perfected. Dr. Lerner advises us to keep our requests simple and avoid over-explaining or over-talking. When we talk less, others listen more.

Revisiting Alan’s triggered anger when he feels controlled by his partner, he could make this clear request: “When you tell me I need to stay home to help you, I get angry. I’d prefer if you ask me if I could change my plans to help with house projects.”

Undoubtedly, you’ve heard the expression: it takes two to tango. And it only takes one to change steps and turn the tango into a different dance entirely. Even in our solo dances, we can transform old routines by watching our footing and trying new moves.