“I don’t care what you think about unless it is about me.”

—Kurt Cobain

According to Google Trends, the internet search for the word “narcissist” has grown exponentially since 2004 and more than doubled in the past 5 years. Four years ago, the poster boy for narcissism was elected to the highest office in our land; but make no mistake about this, our 45th president did not cause our ME, ME, ME culture. He is a symptom of it.

In their 2009 book, The Narcissism Epidemic, authors Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell described narcissism as “the disease of self-admiration.” They also distinguish between the psychiatric diagnosis of “Narcissism Personality Disorder” (NPD) and narcissism as a personality trait. Although both have increased in recent years, NPD is far less common (and more debilitating) than the personality trait or the cultural phenomenon that has spawned self-absorption.

Narcissists are known for their lack of empathy and their propensity to brag. Maintaining the feeling of superiority even while facing setbacks and adversity is a challenge, however. To keep up this ruse, lying, cheating and blaming are required. At this point, you may be thinking of people in your universe who fit this description or of our Chief Narcissist. You may also wonder how we came to elect someone who represents the worst of who we’ve become as a society.

Origins of the ME Epidemic

Twenge and Campbell are quick to point out that our self-obsessed culture did not suddenly appear; it has been evolving over decades. In years past, we were able to tamp down our narcissistic tendencies.

The Great Depression, followed by World War II, imprinted a sense of community on youngsters of that generation, who later became parents of the next generation. Many baby boomers grew up in adult-centered homes where the authority figures at home and at school were rarely challenged. “Don’t get too big for your britches,” was the refrain of the ‘50s and helped us curb our impulses to crow.

The human potential movement of the ‘60s promoted communal thinking; communal living and collectively-run businesses popped up around the country. Slowly, the attitude of cooperation faded and the era of “greed is good” was born in the ‘80s. At the same time, child-rearing practices shifted; homes became less adult-centered and more child-centered. Educators were no longer revered but scorned if they did not recognize the superiority of our children.

By the ‘90s, our culture became preoccupied with superstars and celebrity status. Our appetites for self-aggrandizement were whetted. Reality television and, later, social media and social networking, had us convinced that we, too, could become celebrities. As a culture, we became obsessed with self-promotion.

Somehow, we came to believe everyone was interested in our whereabouts and even what we ate for dinner. The frenzy to post pictures of ourselves and our fictionally-fabulous lives on more and more social media sites was in full swing by the time the 2016 election took our breaths away. And yet, we pretended this had nothing to do with our ME-ness

Narcissistic Leaders

We’ve always had narcissistic leaders but like everything, narcissism is a matter of degree. Narcissistic leaders make us feel safe and protected with their self-assured pronouncements. They often create “in” groups and “out” groups. For those who feel especially powerless and devalued by society, being chosen to be part of the “in” group is heady. Powerful people, who say they can solve our problems, are intoxicating.

When narcissists cannot deliver on their promises and we question their specialness, they will turn on us. They manipulate us with their charm and discard us when we no longer follow their lead. This is why so many people stay in bad relationships and cultish groups even when they know the relationships and groups are toxic. To leave is to incur the wrath of the narcissists and their followers.

It’s Personal

On an individual level, we can start examining our need for self-promotion and self-aggrandizement. Just because everyone posts pictures on social media, doesn’t mean this activity is serving a higher purpose. We may want to consider restraining from posting selfies as community service. Truthfully, few people really care about your vacations, your meals or your kids or grandkids, regardless of how many “likes” you accrue. The research bears this out.

Raising our kids to be more communally-minded is another remedy for self-obsession. Helping them recognize their strengths without believing they are better and more deserving of special treatment is critical. Entitled children grow into entitled adults.

The Pendulum Swings

Cultural phenomena have a way of coming and going. Narcissism thrives during times of success and prosperity. A narcissistic culture, with its weak values and lack of intellectual curiosity, is contrary to a strong society. When communal actions are required, a self-absorbed culture is maladaptive—the zeitgeist of yesteryear is no longer relevant.

Today we are faced with much evidence of a weak society based on narcissism. Racial injustice and climate change are prime examples. Like me, you may be weary of hearing about folks who defy the need to wear masks to prevent the spread of Covid-19. What better illustration exists of our self-absorbed culture?

Lest we get too discouraged about our current me-ness, history shows us the pendulum can and does swing. In their new book, The Upswing: How America Came Together a Century Ago & How We Can Do It Again, authors Robert Putnam and Shaylyn Romney propose that, as bleak as our situation may appear now, we have the capacity to turn things around. They claim that the end of the 19th century, known as the Gilded Age, was marked by some of the same social ills we witness today. It was followed by a movement to rectify these ills. Periods of collectivism often follow periods of individualism (a.k.a. narcissism).

As my Arabic brethren say: Inshallah.