During a conversation with a close friend, who is in remission from stage IV cancer and is an active-duty caregiver for her husband, my friend lamented that comedians and comedy shows aren’t funny anymore. They’re either sophomoric (dumb) or offensive and boorish.

Coincidentally, our conversation occurred just days after Dave Chappell’s controversial comedy special aired on Netflix. A number of comedians came to defend Chappell’s brand of humor. Making fun of other people, they claim, is at the heart of humor. Furthermore, they whine, our PC culture has killed comedy.

Over the past seven decades of hearing many outlandish remarks, I’ve learned that saying something is so, doesn’t make it so. Many of those who study humor, don’t agree with Chappell and his supporters that making fun of others is what makes for good comedy.

In their book, The Humor Code, authors Joel Warner and Peter McGraw maintain that humor often contains an element of benign violation or surprise. If something seems wrong and acceptable at the same time, it is funny. If something is too benign, it might be considered dumb; if isn’t benign enough, it can be offensive.

Slapstick may be considered dumb by some people; jokes about marginalized groups are offensive to others. Comedians run the risk of telling dumb and/or offensive jokes. Obviously, humor is highly subjective.

Often humor can be traced to enjoying the retelling of mistakes: the enjoyment of idiocy. When something is supposed to go one way but goes another, we’re taken by surprise and we can find it funny (especially if it doesn’t happen to us). My friend Jodie would tell the story of how she was left at the altar, literally. As she relates the story, this was a hilarious situation—but probably not at the time. Timing is important both in how we tell a story and when we tell it.

Silliness

Sometimes being just plain silly is the best form of humor. Silliness is a form of exaggeration. Tig Notaro created a whole sketch around moving a stool across the stage. Paula Poundstone—one of my favorite comedians—filmed a number of home videos during the past 18 months which are very low tech and very funny.

In some of the videos, Poundstone exercises while telling stories; in others, she portrays a harried school teacher Zooming with her students, or a game show host with some of her fans posing as contestants. Poundstone pokes fun at her own prizes which are legitimate items on her webpage. A reasonable amount of self-deprecating humor works well.

Relatable Humor

Humor that helps us see the human condition as absurd strikes a chord for most of us. When a stand-up comedian forgets his or her lines and riffs about that or recounts other relatable foibles, we laugh. Similarly, if we can laugh at our own behaviors or beliefs, we can better cope with our lives.

The other day, I was with a small group of friends. As we watched our host cut a lemon on her new counter top, I relayed my mistake of cutting a lemon on a laminate counter top (sans cutting board) which immediately took the finish off the surface. I spent the next decade applying oil to my plastic counter top. I concluded that I’ve devoted much of my life to damage control. Everyone laughed because they could relate to screwing up.

Cultivating a Humorous Mindset

When we laugh at our behaviors, rather than put ourselves down, we can survive our imperfections and some of the cruel jokes that life plays on us.

One of my oldest friends is in the throws of dementia. On the surface, this is no laughing matter. But then, I read a recent thread of texts I received from her in which she responded to her own statement with “I agree” and later with “ditto.” The absurd situation of responding to your own texts made me laugh, rather than cry.

If I told this story on stage, I might offend some people—I get that. As a way of keeping despair at bay, however, I am pleased I can still laugh (a little) at this tragedy.

In a 2019 article, journalist Akhil Sood, wrote about yet another bad boy of comedy, Ricky Gervais. In response to being called out for insulting just about everyone, Gervais spent an hour on the internet railing against those who didn’t like his comedy. Sood ended his piece with a question about such comedians: “So is this how they’d really like to waste their years, by shouting at trains passing them by?”

Rather than shouting at passing trains or tilting at windmills, I plan to focus on the silliness in my life and support others who do the same. I do miss Gilda.

It’s always something.

—Gilda Radner