After it’s on-again, off-again status, millions of us eagerly anticipated the 2021 Tokyo Olympics. Since its official start on July 23, fans been uplifted and let down along with the athletes, their coaches and their families. In addition to those who fell short of their goals, dozens of athletes were eliminated due to positive COVID-19 tests. The heartache didn’t end there, however.

Every Olympics has had its share of disappointments and drama. But after the hellish pandemic, economic and political upheaval and disasters, we’re collectively and individually fragile. So when our heroes, are stricken by the same human conditions as we’ve experienced (stress and trauma), the heartbreak is especially poignant.

What has distinguished these Olympics from those that proceeded it is not only the absence of spectators, but the public acknowledgment of athletes as emotional beings. Prior to the start of the games, Naomi Osaka cited mental health concerns when she withdrew herself from consideration. In the first few days of the games, superstar gymnast Simon Biles also named emotional distress as the reason she removed herself from Team USA.

An additional notable absence from the lineup is U.S. Olympic sprinter, Sha’ Carri Richardson. She was suspended in early July after testing positive for marijuana use. What was most remarkable about Richardson’s suspension was not the antiquated rules but her graceful response. Instead of railing against the anachronistic –and racist—punishment for a substance that is legal in many states and hardly performance enhancing (in my experience, the only performance that improved from using cannabis was sleep), she issued a mighty mea culpa.

Richardson took responsibility for her actions and did not make excuses. We can all learn a lesson from her grace.

Why Not Apologize

Sincere apologies aren’t easy and aren’t always delivered in ways that are effective. Regrettably, many people view apologies as a sign of weakness. This is likely the reason that our leaders so rarely apologize in public.

Another fear that prevents us from apologizing, especially during interpersonal conflicts, is that we worry that an apology will signal admission of full responsibility for the conflict when we believe the responsibility is shared. But when we try to keep score of what share of the conflict belongs to us and what share belongs to others, our calculations are highly subjective and often inaccurate.

Failure to deliver an apology can also be the result of being oblivious to our transgressions. Sometimes, the offender doesn’t perceive the magnitude of his or her wrongdoing. If a friend gives us the cold shoulder or unfriends us, we might be left wondering: What did I do wrong?

And finally, we may fear that we’ll fall into despair thinking about and owning our wrongdoing. Avoiding an apology is a way of avoiding that desolate feeling that we’re hopelessly flawed humans. Avoidance may work in the short run but doesn’t eliminate our fear.

How Not to Apologize

Of course, we can go to extremes; over apologizing is also a problem. People, especially those perceived as having low self-esteem, may apologize for things that may not require apologies. Not only does over apologizing lessen the impact of future apologies, it can be very annoying. Apologizing for every typo and every human foible isn’t necessary. A simple remedy is all that is needed.

For some people, failures of competency are easier to handle than integrity violations. Making a mistake on a report, for example, doesn’t feel great, but offending loved ones gets at our core values.

Apologizing for how someone feels often backfires, even when it’s earnest. “I’m sorry if you feel that way” is usually not well received. It can sound insincere and doesn’t reflect much responsibility. In the #MeToo era, we’ve all grown weary of these types of apologies: “I apologize to anyone I may have offended.”

Remediation

Since most of us could use remedial help in this area, here are a few pointers from the experts.

1.      Apologize for the part of the conflict or wrongdoing that you own. Express regret or remorse for your mistakes but don’t go overboard.

2.      Make amends when needed. Apologizing for breaking someone’s wine glass or denting someone’s bicycle is the first step; replacing the wine glass or repairing the bike is the next step.

3.      Promise and deliver better behavior in the future. This is a tricky one. You can promise to be more aware of your behavior but you can’t guarantee perfection. We all slip up from time to time. Over promising can wreak havoc on relationships and self-esteem.

4.      Extend compassion and forgiveness to others and to yourself. Forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings allows us to apologize without feeling overwhelmed by guilt or shame. Forgiving others is a gift to both the giver and the receiver. As such, we must offer forgiveness rather than request it.

Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your perspective), most of us have many opportunities to practice making apologies. The goal, of course, isn’t to become an expert apologizer but to become more skillful in our speech and more conscious of our behaviors.

“Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.”

—Author and entrepreneur Kevin Hancock