After suffering through five days of stomach flu while I was on vacation, I was ready for my first meal of solid food. Our group of ten traveling companions settled around a large table on the patio of a restaurant on a Tuscan hillside. Several folks decided we should all order one or two dishes and share.

I am a non-meat eater and someone who prefers organic, whole foods. In short, I am a cultural stereotype slightly out of step with my carnivorous friends. Under the best of circumstances, food sharing is not my jam. So, on this Tuscan hillside patio, I boldly proclaimed to my companions that I would not be sharing the truffled pasta dish I’d be ordering.

Perhaps I imagined the disappointment and judgment of my tablemates, but what I know, for sure, is that the issue of sharing food can be divisive. Some people love it; others hate it. I imagine this crazy pandemic has converted more sharers into non-sharers. Whether this will be a lasting behavior change is anyone’s guess. Nevertheless, I suspect those of us with food restrictions and strong preferences are more reluctant to share in general, but I can’t confirm this.

Crossing the Line

What I can confirm is that the issue of others taking one’s food without asking is a flash point. Roommates often complain about this issue and take to labeling their food and reserving shelves in pantries, cabinets and refrigerators.

In the past month, I’ve heard two stepmothers complain of the very same problem. Both stepmoms claimed that their partners and/or their stepchildren did not recognize food boundaries—they ate the food specifically purchased for the stepmother’s dietary needs in addition to their own food.

So, when all the Ritz crackers were consumed, the rice crackers were eaten, albeit joylessly. Or the expensive dairy-free cheese was consumed even before the cow’s-milk cheese was eaten. Some of this consumption can be attributed to mindless eating.

Sometimes crossing the line is a result of blurred end lines, however. Many family systems have no established food boundaries. When a new member enters the system, then, the new member can find herself adrift in a lawless society, at least in regard to food.

Food sharing is widely observed in the animal kingdom among those in close relationships such as offspring and mates. When resources are limited (or perceived to be limited), however, food aggression is not an unusual occurrence. I had an otherwise sweet dog who would bite your hand off if you so much as moved her food bowl. When food is uncertain or scarce in the wilds, another animal messing with your food is no joke.    

For those who buy gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free items, the scarcity issue is real. Once those items disappear from your home, no other options are available—no substituting a rice cracker for a Ritz cracker unless, of course, starvation is ‘round the corner.

Not Just About the Food

Even if food scarcity is not a concern, having one’s boundaries trampled upon doesn’t feel good. Taking someone else’s food without permission is akin to taking anything without permission—it smacks of disrespect.

Whether special foods are eaten, personal possessions are used without permission (don’t get me started on using my laptop without permission!) or private space is invaded, the disrespect is mostly unintentional. For this reason, we have to recycle our wishes and reclaim our boundaries.

Education and Training

The key to reclaiming boundaries lies in education and training. Those who eat anything and everything might benefit from nutritional and behavioral education. Furthermore, they have to be trained to respect the preferences of others. This takes time.

Signage can be helpful. But how silly we feel when labeling or hiding food in our own homes! Chances are the labeling and signage will be temporary. Eventually, others in your household will get the message.

Often when we set boundaries, we’re left feeling selfish or we may even be told we are selfish. As is true with establishing any boundaries, only those who intend to cross those lines will be upset. The rest of the universe cares little.

The danger in failing to establish boundaries is that it often leads to resentment, which is a surefire buzzkill for any relationship. What’s more, setting boundaries for ourselves may teach others to do the same. Think of it as community service.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.”

—Brené Brown