“Love is the absence of judgment.”

—The Dalai Lama

Recently one of my clients shared that she wanted to work on becoming less judgmental as a tribute to a deceased loved one, who she admired for his loving and accepting personality. If she could limit her judgments, she reckoned, his death would not feel so meaningless.

I’m with you, my friend, I thought! One of my least attractive and unhelpful traits is how quick I can be to pass judgment. I trust I’m in good company or bad company, as it were.

If you were to Google ways to minimize judging, you’d find that awareness of your judgments tops the list. I know from personal and professional experience that awareness alone takes us just so far, however. Awareness without action is like a car without wheels—it won’t get you anywhere.

Just Like Me

Empathy is the natural remedy for judgment. Once you take a walk in someone else’s shoes, being critical of that person is difficult. But accessing empathy when we’re feeling frustrated, inconvenienced and annoyed can be tricky.

Rivvy Neshama wrote in her book, Recipes for a Sacred Life, that one technique to amp up empathy is acknowledging the feeling behind another’s irritating behavior and following that acknowledgment with the phrase, “just like me.” Neshama credits Tibetan Buddhist teacher, Pema Chödrön, for the “just like me” mantra.

Here’s how this technique works: as I look at the pile of junk (including an old toilet and random pieces of lumber) one of my neighbors has piled in his visible driveway, I feel annoyed. My judgment is about his lack of respect and caring for our neighborhood.

Underneath my neighbor’s seemingly disrespectful behavior, I imagine lies his desire to rid his house of clutter, as well as his limited resources to either store or remove the junk from his property. My neighbor wants his house to be uncluttered and serene, just like me. He may feel frustrated by the lack of an easy way to dispose of his stuff, just like me. Or he may believe that he may need something in that junk pile someday and will regret not keeping it, just like me.

I’ve taken to using this “just like me” mantra when I catch myself bringing down the gavel. I’m finding this technique helpful although I’m discouraged by realizing how often I need to use it. Feeling compassion for my neighbor helps as does feeling compassion for myself as I struggle with my judging tendencies.

Money Shaming

How others spend their money is a common trigger for judgment. We may be critical of others buying flashy cars or even expensive coffee drinks—no item is too small or too large to escape our judgments.

Beyond the most basic necessities, we use our money to help us feel better. No one needs a fancy car, a $5 latte, or half of the items in our closets. We need to eat but we don’t need to eat at restaurants and certainly not expensive ones. The list goes on.

When you see others purchasing what you consider frivolous items, consider your own purchases or the ways in which you attempt to boost your mood with stuff. From the celebrity who buys yet another mansion to the discount shopper who frequents outlet malls, we’re all seeking the dopamine rush from having something new and shiny.

The Green-eyed Monster

At the core of many of our judgments are envy, disappointment and fear. Instead of acknowledging wanting what others have, we harshly judge their behaviors or decisions. I’m not a big fan of social media because I believe such posts too-often bring out the worst in us—our narcissism and our judgmental tendencies— and they incite envy. Sometimes the fear that we’re not measuring up to our peers can result in mean-spirited comments.

Our ratings-crazy culture also fuels harsh judgments. We rate everything: restaurants, hotels, movies, service providers, ride-share drivers and ride-share passengers. I’m a reader and a writer and often peruse reviews of books. The biting comments by people who, most likely, have never labored over an essay, let alone a book, are disheartening. “Don’t waste your money” is the cry of many of those one-star reviewers.

Just like me, those who are critical of others achievements are likely disappointed that they haven’t been showered by accolades. The bummer is that being critical and judgmental erodes rather than bolsters our self-esteem. It’s not easy being green.

Judging as a Habit

All of us judge and some of our judgments are necessary. We need to make judgments about our housing, jobs and relationships. Some of us go overboard, however. Like most of our behaviors, overly-critical behaviors can be habitual.

The good news is that any habit that is learned can be unlearned. The bad news is breaking a habit takes time and effort. Unlearning takes focus, repeated practice of a new way of thinking or acting, and a reward.

To break the habit of judging others, then, we must catch ourselves thinking or speaking critically followed by practicing empathy—acknowledging possible feelings driving the grating behavior.

After a period of limiting judgments, you may want to reward yourself. (Here’s where that $5 latte comes in handy.) But being less judgmental is its own reward. The less we stand in judgment of others, the happier and more satisfied we feel.

In truth, we’re all doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would. My neighbor with his junk pile might someday find a place for all his stuff; in the meantime, I’m choosing to put down my gavel.