Psychologists have long believed that blaming others for our mistakes is a defense mechanism used to preserve our self-esteem. Taking responsibility for our many imperfections can be hard on the ego. But finding fault is a bit trickier when our good intentions or those of others result in really bad consequences. When we hear of tragedies, such as the accidental discharging of a gun, we default to wanting to assign blame.

Making Sense of the Senseless

Assigning blame can be useful for preventing future occurrences but something more primal is at play when our desire is to find fault. If we can discover fault for tragedies, the world seems less frightening and senseless acts feel far less random.

On October 21, Alec Baldwin accidentally shot and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. Baldwin was rehearsing a gun scene and was erroneously told the gun was “cold” (not loaded). Is Baldwin to blame since he pointed the gun in Hutchins’ direction and pulled the trigger? Or is the assistant director at fault for telling Baldwin the gun was “cold”? Or is the novice armorer at fault for not ensuring the gun wasn’t loaded? The sad reality is a woman is dead and many others are traumatized.

On November 3, a beloved political leader and activist was fatally hit by a motorist at 8 am in my hometown. Along with the grieving, came the judgments of who was at fault. Many automatically faulted the driver, speculating that she was speeding or otherwise driving recklessly. As of this date, no official word has been released as to whether the driver was cited in this accident. No matter, the driver will live with the horror of having unintentionally killed someone.

I recently heard a story of a woman who accidentally hit a pedestrian on an onramp of a freeway. The woman that the driver struck darted in front of her car in the pre-dawn hour. The driver never saw the woman. Although the court of public opinion, along with the police, placed the blame on the pedestrian, the driver continues to suffer from the trauma of this accident.

There are many thousands (perhaps, millions) of stories just like this every year. Although no databases track people who inadvertently caused another’s death, most of these are likely due to car accidents; the rest are due to gun mishaps, boating accidents and the momentary neglect of babies.

As a new mother, I accidentally dropped my newborn while she was strapped in her car seat. Other than a bump on the head and years of stubborn behavior, I was spared being part of a club no one wants to join: those who’ve unintentionally caused others to suffer. I still get goosebumps thinking of that close call.

Accidental Impacts

Maryann Gray knows all too well the trauma of causing unintentional, irreparable damage. When she was 22 years old, she struck and killed an eight-year-old boy who ran in front of her car on a country road. After decades of recovery, Gray—a social psychologist—began an organization called Accidental Impacts, which provides support to those who have inadvertently harmed others. She coined the term CADI (Causing Accidental Death and Injury) as a way to refer to this population.

Gray says that the shame and guilt of inadvertently causing death or injury changes people forever regardless of who the legal system determines is the “guilty” party. The type of grief CADI’s feel is generally not honored in our society.

Grief expert, David Kessler, has written about the final stage of grief: finding meaning. No meaning can be found in the senseless death of someone but those grieving can honor the lives of the deceased by continuing their own journey with purpose. For Maryann Gray that meant talking about the boy she struck with her car and helping others recover from the trauma of having caused pain and suffering.

Many accidents are preventable—we can and do learn from them. We institute safety measures in the workplace, in our homes and on our roads as the result of accidents. Once an accident has occurred, prevention is no longer relevant; finding fault is only important in order to identify future safety measures. Compassion for the injured and their families, as well as for those who caused the injury, is required for survival.

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

Dalai Lama XIV