“What is armor, after all, but a cage that moves with you.”

—Writer and Activist Rebecca Solnit

Most of us have some form of emotional armor we use to protect us from real or imagined hurts. We may use our armor under certain circumstances and with particular people. At one point in time, our armor might have proved useful. Perhaps we developed this protection to guard against rejection, shame or assaults to our self-esteem.

But often what we’re protecting ourselves against has already happened. The fears and uncertainties we experienced as children are no longer threats. Even so, we continue to act in guarded ways.

Of course, the downside of all this emotional protection is that it prevents others from getting close and it prevents us from experiencing intimacy. It can get lonely inside the armory.

The Shield of Anger

Anger is one of the most common forms of emotional armor. Instead of expressing our hurt and fear, we may lash out at others. Our society has become a virtual petri dish for anger. Too often we condone outrage and we fan the flame. Social media has enabled anger to foment and, in some ways, has encouraged it.

Although angry people can provide some entertainment value, they’re known to burn through their relationships. The stress of anticipating angry outbursts frequently distances others who grow weary of taking cover.

Projecting or blaming others for one’s negative thoughts or feelings is another type of armor that is a close cousin of anger. Projection can come in the form of criticism—criticizing others for the unpleasant qualities or traits that we possess.

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung wrote about the shadow self—the unknown or unwanted parts of ourselves that we try to disown. According to Jung, the shadow self predisposes us to psychological projection.

Martha Beck, bestselling author and life coach, refers to the tendency to criticize behaviors in others that belong to us as, “you spot it, you got it.”

The Arrogant Warrior

Continually demonstrating one’s superior intellect and insights is a rather unbecoming type of armor. The most vocal person in the room is often the loneliest. No one likes a know-it-all.

Arrogance is sometimes mistaken as confidence, but it is usually quite the opposite. Beneath the bravado is the insecurity many of us feel some of the time. Not only is arrogance an ineffective strategy to protect oneself from harm, it limits our ability to understand others and empathize.

Self-Blame

On the surface, the person who self-flagellates may seem like a sympathetic character. Self-blame wears thin after a while, however, and drives people away. In a weird way, the person who self-incriminates is not that different from the arrogant warrior. By judging our pain and shame as unforgiveable and greater than others’, we’re elevating ourselves. We might not be the most informed or the smartest, but we are certainly the biggest shithead.

Isolation and Withdrawal

Isolating from others and from the potential of harm is the most obvious form of self-protection. The image of a turtle in its shell portrays the way in which withdrawal is used to protect.

Social isolation and withdrawal may prevent us from experiencing hurt from others but the dangers of isolation far outweigh the risks of contact. Social isolation is a breeding ground for depression and other mental health issues. Many of us experienced the negative effects of isolation during the forced social distancing of the global pandemic.

Withdrawal can lead to increased anxiety and obsessive thoughts. The small world we create could feel safe but restricts growth in many ways. In addition to undermining well-being, isolation is detrimental to one’s physical health. Social isolation was sometimes listed as a cause of death during the pandemic. Particularly among the elderly, isolation created or contributed to the condition known as failure to thrive.

The Dark Side of Funny

Humor is a double-edged sword. It can be a useful coping strategy and it can be used as armor.

The kind of (bad) humor used by our 45th POTUS illustrates how humor is used to shield us from feelings of inadequacy. When we say hurtful things about others and claim we’re joking, when we make absurd statements and say we are kidding or being sarcastic, alarm bells should sound indicating the use of armor. (I will go to my urn not understanding how we allowed a world leader to demonstrate this behavior.)

The person who chronically deflects serious conversation and confrontation with jokes might be using humor as a shield. Trying to have a serious conversation with a jokester can be maddening.

When Our Armor Imprisons

I recognize myself in all the forms of armor I’ve mentioned above (and a few I haven’t mentioned). Occasionally I indulge in self-righteous indignation; I project my bad feelings onto others; I grab the spotlight; I lick my wounds and hide in my cave; and I make light of serious matters.

Like anything, though, a little protection isn’t so bad and could be necessary. But when our protective behaviors become habitual, our armor becomes our prison.

 So, what’s in your armory?