I listened to a client as she berated herself for not counting her blessings. She was unhappy with her current situation but felt guilty about her discontent—the double-whammy of misery. This woman talked about all the ways in which she was privileged from having food and shelter, unlike others, to not being tortured or abused, like some.

After she ran through her list of why she shouldn’t complain when comparing herself to those less fortunate, I asked her how that was working for her. She replied: Not so great.

Holding Two Truths

We can hold two truths at the same time. One is that many people are less fortunate and two: that our lives currently suck. As I see things, by only counting one’s blessings, we short-shrift ourselves and we halt measures to improve ourselves and our circumstances.

Counting one’s blessings, at worst, can lead to complacency or it could elicit feelings of guilt. If comparing ourselves to those in far worse situations triggers guilt and self-criticism (as in: How can I feel bad when others are suffering more? I must be a terrible ingrate.), no good comes from this activity. Comparison for the purpose of self-evaluation is not at all helpful.

By conservative measures, ten percent of our thought involves comparisons. We can use those comparative thoughts as inspiration or as self-sabotage that leads to a downward spiral of negativity. All kinds of self-destructive habits can result from untamed envy including chronic guilt and dissatisfaction, lying, cheating, stealing and worse.

As Theodore Roosevelt is credited with saying: comparison is the thief of joy. Upward comparison—comparing ourselves to those we consider more fortunate—can erode our sense of satisfaction and feelings of having a good enough life. Downward comparison—comparing ourselves to those in less fortunate circumstances— could lead to a very tenuous boost to self-esteem that eventually morphs into depression and anxiety.

Clashing Cultures

On one hand we see images and read stories of great suffering at the hands of nature and our fellow humans. Our own suffering, however, doesn’t lessen the suffering of others.

On the other hand, social media bombards us with the unreal celebrity culture of flawless lives—fabulous clothes, grand vacations, adoring families and sumptuous meals. How could we ever measure up? We can’t because those perfect lives are pure fiction.

The first step in using social comparisons to your advantage is to be aware of your triggers. If scrolling mindlessly through any number of social media apps causes you to feel bad about yourself, put yourself on a social media diet. If eating peanuts caused you to break out in hives, you’d likely avoid that food.

In a 2019 study, 80% of participants said limiting their social media exposure improved their sense of well-being. Subsequent studies have confirmed this finding.

If we can’t resist mindless scrolling, at the very least, we can stop fomenting comparisons. If you think people really want to see your vacation pictures, you’re wrong. According to one study, 73% of social media users say they dislike seeing others vacation posts. We may “like” the posts, but we really don’t like them.

Emulate the Enviable

Instead of comparing ourselves to others and coming up short, we can use those we envy as inspiration. What is it about their lives (or the part of their lives that they present) that you would want in your own life? If others seem to have meaningful work, how can you infuse meaning in your work life? If others seem to have loving relationships, how can you cultivate more significant relationships? If you want to have a fabulous vacation, what can you do today to start planning for a trip?

Social comparison, whether upward or downward, doesn’t have to be a buzz kill. Whether we compare ourselves to those we deem better off or those who seem worse off, we can use comparison as a way to motivate ourselves—propel us into action. Counting our blessings only helps if we take steps to right wrongs in our own lives and those around us.

“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

—Zen Shin