Anxious People
Anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in the U.S. National surveys reveal that about a third of us have or have had an anxiety disorder. Although psycho-pharmaceuticals and cognitive-behavioral therapy are effective in treating anxiety, most people with anxiety don’t seek treatment. Unfortunately, untreated anxiety affects an individual’s health and their personal and professional relationships. We live in an anxiety-provoking world and untreated anxiety disorders are no fun to be around.
One symptom of anxiety is nervous chatter or, simply put, talking too much. Lately I seem to be surrounded by too many people who talk way too much. I recently returned from several weeks of traveling in groups where I observed a lot of nervous chatter. In many cases, taking up too much oxygen is a result of anxiety. Sometimes social anxiety causes people to remain silent but sometimes it causes people to talk too much.
Self-soothing Habits
Anxiety can also cause people to ask self-soothing questions about what will happen next. I observed a Nervous Nelly asking our tour guide a stream of questions related to our next stop; the final straw for me was when she asked him to recommend a café for coffee. We were in Europe, where cafés represent 80% of the storefronts.
TMI is a relatively new acronym, meaning too much information. Like oversharing, TMI is both a cause and a result of our obsession with social media. My beef with social media is that it brings out our worst instincts such as sharing more about ourselves and our culinary experiences than is needed.
Are You Talking Too Much?
In case you’re wondering if you are part of the problem, here are a few indicators that you’re talking too much:
1. You are talking about people no one knows.
2. No one is responding to your chatter.
3. You’re talking more than anyone else.
Pay attention to others’ body language when you talk. Looking down, fidgeting, a glazed-over stare all indicate you’ve lost your audience. Slow down, take a few deep breaths, and stop talking.
Redirecting the Conversation
Most of us, including me, loathe being deliberately rude to others. Telling someone to be quiet usually doesn’t land well. Here are a few suggestions to redirect a friend or colleague who talks too much.
1. Don’t respond. Some people will stop talking when they realize no one is interested. Resist the urge to even say, “uh huh” and the chatter may cease.
2. Change the subject. Those with social anxiety often tell stories about people others don’t know or stories that are off-topic. Gently interrupt the story with a question or comment that changes the focus. Most of know folks who tell us detailed stories about their children or grandchildren. Wait until the talker takes a breath and, with as much compassion as possible, say something like: “I know you must be very proud of Alex but I’d rather hear about how you’re doing.”
3. Walk away, if you can. When I’m in a public space and someone is holding court (with an audience that includes more than me), I walk away. BUT if I’m trapped in a bus, car or at dinner with someone taking up too much oxygen, only the first two remedies on this list are applicable.
4. Last resort: address the issue. Discussing your discomfort with the nervous talker is a delicate matter. First, this must be done privately and without malice. Second, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Here are a couple of examples: “I feel uncomfortable listening to stories about people I don’t know. I would prefer if we just talked about ourselves in a give and take way.” “I feel frustrated when you ask a lot of questions about, what I consider, trivial concerns.”
Of course, anxiety isn’t the only reason people talk too much. Loneliness and/or self-absorption contribute to a lack of awareness that others just aren’t interested. The tactics outlined above work well regardless of the reasons behind blabbering.
The bottom line for all of us is to listen more and talk less.