The Straightjacket of Expectations

‘Tis the season of expectations.  This is the time of year when we get caught up in societal, family and personal expectations – we get should upon.  Some of us breezed through Thanksgiving, some tiptoed through the landmines just barely surviving explosions, while others weren’t so lucky.

Those of us in the helping professions have heard the stories of family feuds and near disasters as well as a few successes.  My favorite story of abandoning expectations was of a woman and her partner who fled to Mexico while the rest of the family descended upon her hometown.  Yes, they talked about her behind her back but she and her partner had a stress-free holiday.  One woman told me she had the best Thanksgiving ever by simply staying home and avoiding the holiday entirely.

But the stress isn’t over.  Lots of folks are still negotiating Christmas and Chanukah gatherings.  For stepfamilies the negotiations are even more complicated.  Much of the stress boils down to expectations.

Willful Giving

I can remember feeling hurt when on Christmas Day, I did not receive a gift from my in-laws.  Mind you, I don’t even celebrate Christmas but I expected to get a gift because I was present at the gift exchange.  A man recently shared his hurt and anger when he was informed the large check that he received every year from his father was not forthcoming. This man’s father died earlier in the year and his stepmother decided to discontinue this expensive custom. The harsh reality is that none of us is entitled to receive gifts just because we received them in the past.

Since gift-giving, particularly cash gifts, can be a source of discomfort, letting others know what you will and will not be doing this season is helpful.  On the other hand, if you happen to be the recipient of a holiday bonus, it’s not safe to assume you will always receive this bonus.  Having a conversation about gift-giving plans is awkward but saves hurt down the road.

Shaking up Traditions

Years ago, I was included in an elaborate holiday party hosted by some friends. For many years, the family spent a great deal of time and money on this event—that is, until they pulled the plug.  I remember feeling disappointed when I didn’t get an invitation one year but then I got over it.  We’re a resilient lot; most of us bounce back from disappointments, big and small. Everyone has a right to re-evaluate their holiday gatherings and travel plans.

Just because you’ve always visited certain relatives over the holidays does not mean you must continue this “tradition.”  People change and people change their minds.  As I’m known to say, I wouldn’t wish my twenty or thirty-something self on anyone: I count on changing.

One the biggest struggles involves adult children spreading their wings and flying away from their home of origin for the holidays.  The question I ponder is why would a parent want a son or daughter to visit out of duty and obligation, rather than free will? Why would a loving parent want to inflict pain and suffering (aka stress) on an adult child just to preserve a tradition?

Just Say: No, Thanks

The simple solution to shaking up traditions is to communicate.  Letting others know that you plan to alter the way you spend the holidays because of the strain it puts on you and/or your loved ones should be enough for others to adjust their expectations. 

So, this holiday season, take a hard look at the expectations you lay on yourself and others and give the gift of freedom to change.  Trade in that straightjacket for a sturdy set of wings.