Guilty as Charged
Not long ago, a client confessed to feeling guilty about his successes. Yes, he had worked hard for his achievements but his hard work paled in comparison to the suffering he witnessed around him, or so he thought. He had surpassed his parents’ level of affluence by a long shot and many of his friends continued to struggle financially.
This man does not come from privilege nor is he white. The popular term, white guilt, does not apply to him. Being the first in one’s family to achieve success can be the catalyst for guilty feelings regardless of race or ethnicity. This is a very common reaction.
Guilt only has value when it leads to making amends or doing good deeds. Feeling guilty about one’s privileges or successes in itself does no one any service, least of all the person feeling guilty. Not being able to enjoy one’s successes is fundamentally a tragedy.
The Lone Wolf
Humans are social animals; from our beginnings, we’ve relied on our peeps for survival. Not feeling comfortable when we depart from our tribe, physically or emotionally, makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. Many of us feel most at home when we can blend in and stay within the confines of our pack or group.
If we make more money or achieve more success than our family members and friends, we break from the status quo and stand out. This can cause distress or unhealthy guilt.
Debunking Deservedness
Sometimes our worthiness or deservedness (also called “deservability”) gets tangled up in our feelings around success. The truth is no one deserves success or failure. We may wish failure on our least favorite humans, but oddly our wishes don’t usually make it so. Conversely, we may sincerely wish success for those we love and admire, but sadly, these wishes have no power.
No one deserves to be born into poverty just as no one deserves a trust fund. Of course, persistence, determination and hard work are critical for achieving one’s goals—but at times, even these essentials aren’t enough. The element of chance (often called luck) can be a factor as well.
Exploring one’s feelings of guilt and shame around success and failure can help us unravel old scripts and clarify our values. What does success mean to you? Why would you want to be successful? And why would you want to avoid success?
If one’s self-worth is tied to success, no amount of success will likely fill the void of feeling not good enough. Separating our worthiness from success is the first step toward abandoning unhealthy guilt resulting from our achievements.
Sharing our shameful feelings about our successes can be a relief but when people react with dismissive comments—as they frequently do— such as, you shouldn’t feel guilty, rather than with empathy, these uncomfortable feelings persist. Few people, especially those who are struggling, feel much empathy for successful people lamenting their discomfort.
Pay It Forward
Countless ways to pay it forward allow one to do good while feeling good. If one’s success translates to financial freedom, sharing the wealth is one way to do good, but not the only way. Volunteering or entering a helping profession can also accomplish lots of good.
Inspiring others through encouraging words or helpful advice, showing interest by asking questions and listening attentively can be more impactful than throwing a bit a money at a problem. Introducing or connecting people to those who can be helpful is another way to pay it forward.
These caring actions could be even better than money. Giving people money can trigger shame in others or feelings of obligation.
A family friend was known for her quip, rich or poor, it’s good to have money. Reworking this sentiment, I believe that rich or poor, it’s good to feel worthy.
“Guilt and stress do more damage to your body than chocolate cake ever will.”
—Anonymous