Blissful Oblivion
Blissful oblivion is another term that describes the very human reaction to unpleasantness: denial. Denial, a universal coping strategy, helps us temporarily steady ourselves so that we can deal with an upsetting reality. Although no one gender has a corner on the market for denial, when it comes to relationships, women regularly complain about men’s denial (aka oblivion).
Women often cite men’s oblivion as a source of frustration, conflict and anger. “He just doesn’t get it!” is a refrain I often hear from my female clients. Women may complain that men don’t notice when their partners are unhappy, when the relationship is rocky, or when the countertop is dirty. Since men continue to rule the roost in many households—and in the universe—one could argue that the stereotypical male quality of blissful oblivion must be advantageous.
Not necessarily. Here’s one data point that belies the blissful part of oblivion: women initiate divorce or terminate relationships with greater frequency than men. Being clueless, then, might have deleterious effects.
The Fault in Our DNA
Enculturation (or nurture) is a great determinant of behavior; but nature can also play a significant role in how we act. We may be hard-wired to be oblivious or hard-wired to sweat the small stuff. In fact, research seems to confirm the tendency for men to see the big picture and women to focus on details.
In hunter-gatherer societies, where men’s role was to bring home the bacon (or dead animal), the hunter could not afford to be distracted by minutiae. Never mind that he left the straw bed disheveled or didn’t notice that his loin cloth was on backwards, the caveman’s focus was making sure his family didn’t starve and he didn’t get eaten in the process.
The gathering woman, however, had to find those little berries hidden in the bushes and inspect them so that the poisonous ones didn’t make their way into her basket. Focusing on details was a matter of life and death.
DNA is Not Destiny
We have predispositions for all kinds of biological, medical and mental health conditions, but we no longer need behave like our hunter-gatherer ancestors. Adult humans have fully-developed frontal cortices; we can learn and grow—we’re educable.
We can override our predispositions to overlook the details or to ignore the big picture. Being social animals, we must learn to live with other humans, to give and take, and to communicate.
Communication is King
Denial/oblivion may be helpful as a temporary salve but doesn’t work so well in the long-run. If a relationship is splintering, no amount of denial is going to put it back together again. Less communication is not the answer.
Although most of us would agree that communication is the glue that binds relationships, lack of communication or miscommunication is the primary source of conflict in interpersonal communication.
The Balancing Act
Gender differences in emotional expression are well documented. Women tend to express a wider range of emotions than men; women express significantly more sadness and anxiety than do men. We know, however, that expressing emotions and feeling emotions can be two different matters.
Perhaps women would be better off if we didn’t focus on so many of the details, if we didn’t express our emotions so readily, if we regulated and reflected more before voicing our feelings. We know that women have a higher incidence of depression and anxiety than our male brethren. One might argue that all the focus on details exacerbates our misery.
Of course, men have their own demons to wrestle. By not expressing uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way, these emotions may surface as anger and rage. Men might be better off noticing more of the details, paying attention to the nuances of expression as well as dirty countertops.
Blissful or woeful, oblivion rarely improves a tense relationship. It takes courage to remove one’s head from the sand and do the hard work of meeting another person where they are.
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”
—Epicurus