Self-Forgiveness

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past—but you sure do change the future.”

—Bernard Meltzer, Radio Host of “What’s Your Problem?”

At the end of his coaching session, Brad wondered if he could ever make peace with, what he deemed, a life-altering mistake. Brad had reacted protectively and definitively to a bullying situation that ended a goal he had worked so hard to achieve. Making peace with how he handled the situation required self-forgiveness.

“To err is human, to forgive divine” or so said Alexander Pope, 18th century English poet and author. Many of us find forgiving others much easier than forgiving ourselves. Shame is largely responsible for our reluctance to move on and let ourselves off the hook.

Research professor, lecturer, and author Brené Brown is somewhat of a rock star when it comes to unmasking shame. According to Dr. Brown, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

Because shame threatens our sense of worth, forgiving ourselves—especially when we’ve been victimized— is difficult under the cloak of shame. We tell ourselves that, not only did we make a mistake, but we’re unworthy of the affection and admiration of others. No place to go but down from that position. No redemption is possible.

Transforming Shame

Dr. Brown’s research reveals that shame needs silence and secrecy to grow and fester. The remedy will always be speaking the truth to ourselves with great benevolence. Taking responsibility for our misdeeds is one thing, but berating ourselves for not handling a situation better is quite another. In so doing, we carry out the work of our detractors.

As with other attitudes and behaviors that hamper us, awareness and recognition of shame is the first step toward recovery; accurately naming one’s feelings helps us find ways to cope. Left unchecked, feelings of shame are at the core of depression, anxiety and other disorders. Believing shame is the reality you deserve rather than a feeling state keeps one stuck in the shame cycle

Mental health professionals agree that the road to recovering from shame and trauma is a long, winding one. Turning toxic shame into healthy shame means letting go of accepting total responsibility for what transpired. While toxic shame is believing an uncontrollable situation is due to own our failings, healthy shame is owning the appropriate amount of responsibility for our behavior.

Self-Compassion

We are, of course, our harshest critics. The reasons our inner critics are so powerful are numerous; the origin matters less than our desire to change the way we interpret our missteps and mistakes. The ultimate goal is to treat oneself with kindness, empathy and care.

I find that writing forgiveness letters helps bring our cognitions in line with our desire for equanimity. The cruel irony is that we would never say to others what we say to ourselves. To transform our inner critic into an inner counselor, first write a forgiveness letter to someone (a close friend or relative) who you imagine had a disappointment similar to yours.

“Dear Josey: I realize you’re in a lot of pain right now because you did not prepare for your recent job interview and feel embarrassed by your performance. Please know that you are a capable and competent person who will be a great benefit to any organization you join. My wish for you is that you use this setback as motivation to continue to pursue your goals and fully represent your special skills and talents during the next opportunity that comes your way.”

After writing the letter to your friend, write a forgiveness letter to yourself:

“Dear Self: I know you are terribly disappointed that you did not prepare for your last job interview. You now know some additional ways that interviews can proceed and I have confidence that you will improve with practice. Yes, the interview did not go well and nothing will change that, but that does not mean you are unworthy of meeting your goals and being accepted. I trust you will better prepare for the next opportunity to showcase your skills and talents. I believe in you.”

Looking Forward

The truth about our missteps and mistakes is that we did the best we could at the time. With the benefit of hindsight, perhaps we could have avoided the mistake or handled it better. But hindsight isn’t available to us when we’re up to our ass in alligators.

Using mistakes to propel us forward is a growth position. Analyzing the mistake for what was learned and preparing oneself for potential problems in the future are ways to turn a negative incident into a positive outcome. Without the incident, you may not have uncovered another way NOT to behave and you would’ve missed an opportunity to strengthen your coping skills. I’m reminded of a friend who labeled each of her setbacks as another f**king growth opportunity.

Pity those whose lives are without bumps in the road. Those are the people who live uninspected lives. Self-forgiveness and self-compassion are skills to be cultivated over time. No magic pill exists to anoint us with inner peace. Rather than forgive and forget, with practice, we can forgive and learn. I count on that for myself.