Heartbreak Hotel

Although it’s always crowded, you still can find some room
For broken-hearted lovers to cry away the gloom.

--Elvis Presley

Unless you’re a Tibetan monk, chances are you’ve experienced rejection and heartbreak more than once.  The longer one plays the dating game, the greater the odds for heartbreak. 

Ghost as a Verb

Back in the day when we lived in small communities and met prospective mates through friends and relatives, ending a relationship suddenly without explanation was more difficult.  The chances of running into someone you dumped without warning were greater and one’s reputation was on the line if that behavior was considered rude or disrespectful.  City living and digital dating create an anonymity that has fostered disrespectful behavior.

In some circles, left-swiping someone without explanation may even be socially acceptable. Making a date with a romantic interest, then having them disappear from your feed is so routine that it’s hardly worth mentioning.  But ghosting is not just reserved for casual encounters, this phenomenon occurs with longer-term relationships as well.

Some call ghosting “emotional cruelty.”  Rejection is never easy but when someone disappears without explanation, the person left holding the emotional bag is left questioning their reality. How did I not see this coming? What did I miss?  Can I trust my judgments about people?

It’s All About Them

The biggest danger of ghosting is the hit to the ghostee’s self-esteem.  Reminding oneself that the act of ghosting is one that speaks volumes about the ghoster rather than the ghostee is essential. It’s all about them, not you.

Well-meaning friends and family will often try to provide comfort by offering platitudes such as, “you’re better off without him/her” or “better you found out now rather than later.” As well-intentioned as these words are, those of us who have experienced rejection (sudden or otherwise) know this type of solace doesn’t go the distance. The wounded lover wants to know how the hell he or she can prevent this misery from happening again.

The Death of Love

Regardless of how the relationship ended, processing heartbreak is a lot like processing death.  Sometimes one has to go through all the stages of grieving from denial to acceptance.  As with grieving a death, you can’t rush this process, but being aware of it will help with getting through it.

Denial gives way to bargaining (“If I get in better shape, s/he will return.”). Rationalizations often help temporally.  We make up stories about why we were rejected.  These stories can be anything from s/he doesn’t like strong women, s/he doesn’t want to date coworkers, s/he felt threatened.  Unless this was said outright (and it rarely is), it is just a story.

Anger is a frequent by-product of heartbreak. Over time, removing the ball and chain of anger and resentment promotes healing.  We all know folks who harbor anger for their ex’s many years (sometimes decades) after the breakup.  Not only is the anger unattractive, it is also harmful to one’s physical and emotional wellbeing.  In the words of Nelson Mandela, "Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies."

Forgiveness

The secret weapon for moving forward from heartbreak is forgiveness. We must, of course, forgive the person who rejected us (regardless of their bad behavior); we must also forgive ourselves for not reading the tea leaves, and, perhaps, for falling for the wrong person.

Ultimately forgiveness leads to acceptance and growth. Brené Brown, bestselling author, lecturer and researcher, has written and spoken about the importance of honoring one’s vulnerability while healing from a broken heart.  Heartbreak is the result of loving; lucky are those who dare to love.

The Contagion Effect

If you’re currently happily partnered, you may think that you are immune from the perils of dating.  Unfortunately, bad behavior is contagious.  Ghosting for example, has crept into the workplace.  Rarely does one get any acknowledgement for submitting job applications (not even a crummy form letter or email).  What’s way worse is being ghosted after an interview (or two). 

The increasingly-common occurrence of job applicants and employees ghosting employers has received even more attention than the converse.  Employers in almost every industry report the growing incidence of no- shows for interviews, as well as an increase in new-hires not showing up the first day of work, or employees walking off the job without explanation.

Bad behavior begets bad behavior. Some say turnabout is fair play in the job market.  If you want to be treated with respect, you must be respectful. Managing your encounters with integrity is always admirable; just because a behavior is commonplace, doesn’t make it honorable.  And using busyness as an excuse for rude or cowardly behavior is the ultimate self-deception.

No-Fault Heartbreak

Heartbreak can occur without a perpetrator and a victim, although one party typically initiates “the conversation.” When two people grow apart, identifying a perpetrator and a victim may be difficult – and it’s pointless. Whether you’ve had your heartbroken or you are the heartbreaker, there’s no escaping pain. The reality is that breaking someone’s heart is about you and your unhappiness and having your heart broken is about the other person. 

Using coping strategies such as rationalizations may help in the short-term (along with leaning on friends and family), but in the long run, the hard work of forgiveness, self-reflection and mustering courage falls on the one who needs to heal. Recognizing our inherent lovability is of paramount importance in this process. As Brené Brown’s has said: “Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, doesn’t mean we are unlovable.”